Friday, October 10, 2014

Grey Clouds on a Sunny Day

I find myself revisiting a familiar place. That dreadful dance of unemployment, of lack of income. The dance takes me through public libraries and coffee shops with free wi fi. It takes me to download free music and books to my laptop as if the world was about to end. I am filling up the pantry just before the storm arrives. These days I am entertaining Fear, that raw fear where you have a lost look. "Oh no I will need to admit again to my closest people that I am notable to sustain myself again." my soul shudders, it has not found its cozy home yet. It's Job in Dallas 2014, no pun intended. Like the Biblical character I often feel cursed by something outside of me as if the world I live betrays me in every turn my vivid imagination takes. Do not take me wrong, I acknowledge my gifts and my talents. The Divinity gave me the gift of Empathy, Music, Creativity and Word. And it seems that I live in a place that is not receptive to this. My past previous experience was with people that exploited me for $13.00 an hour for 4 long years and could not care less about me. They lied to me, they overworked me and when I finally mustered the courage to quit they did not even said good bye. A dry "ok, good luck" was the only thing I heard. The boss did not even got up her chair. Yes it all behind now. But you see I have lost a little bit of trust in humanity. My soul is seeking a cozy home. Why are so many people selfish and manipulative? It's a rhetorical question. What great anger do we all have that would do harm to another human being just to satisfy our needs? Not everybody is like this, I know. But in my personal job/Job life experience it has been one abusive relationship after another. They all seem to quickly identify my talents, intelligence, intuition, organization, decorum, the ability to speak 4 languages and then they want me to do their work for them. And I always try to satisfy. In the process I burn, I resent the abuse and friction takes place. My words sound ominous, they are what they are. One harbors hope. Specially when you have been adrift for so long. Is this Karma? I am tired of using esoteric concepts to justify everything in this world. These gray clouds shall pass, I know. But I still need to find my soul a cozy home.

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