Sunday, March 9, 2014

A validation of sadness

Where are they? Where have they gone? As I drive through those beautiful houses in Highland Park I can't but remember the way it was 30 or 35 years ago when I was part of a tight-knit family. Now mom and dad are gone. Mom died 6 years ago and dad died 16 years ago. It seems like yesterday. I feel lonely and displaced. I am visiting an empty neighborhood. My irrational mind feels lost. Which way do I turn to find my home with my family in it? Still winter...there are days, grey days that are so sad and deep in my heart. A beautiful stillness that makes you cry. As I drive my tears roll down, I try to be stoic to no use. They are gone and I do not want to hear platitudes or Hallmark quotes from anyone. This is my holy, sacred sadness don't you dare to destroy what is mine. Yes, I know it will pass and in no time I will be laughing with a friend or singing with the chorale or buying fancy marmalade from a French cook in Alsace on the Internet or taking the Pretz out for a long walk. I am getting old. I never expected it to come so soon, so uninvited. The other day I was walking down on Greenville and observing the young people being busy and bubbly all around me. I though about my sadness. This sadness is cozy and revelatory. The stillness of winter. The naked tree. My naked soul reduced to its minimum factor. No pretenses, no show-offs, no acting or masquerading. In this nakedness, noiseless and aware I find the divinity. Don't make me explain the divinity, please. It is a mystery. It is truth without the consequences. Those are human. I discovered, finally, unashamedly, that I am a voyager in a dream.