Thursday, June 18, 2009

Quietly, I cry

Damn Fear!!!! It has ruled my life, it has ruined my life, do not take me wrong, I am a courageous kind of guy. But fear, if I only understood you completely, if only I knew the antidote...It has been said time and time again that Love is the antidote.

Hail Love!!!! It has ruled my life, it has constructed my life, do not take me wrong, I am a courageous kind of guy. But Love, If I could only understood you completely, if only I knew how to make you appear in my life instantly....It has been said...

Mindful debates in times of financial desperation.

I want to scream, I am so frustrated. But I also want to sing and dance and laugh. And hug friends.

I am trembling with anxiety. I wish I could see my mother again. She died last year. I'll tell her all about my predicaments, my sorrows and my joys. Her loss is like a dagger through my heart. Yet, I believe in Love, in tenderness, in goodwill, in peace and in kindness. I do not have to understand everything, do I?

Pretzel, my dog, rushes up to me. In a swift move he jumps on my lap and starts licking up my teary cheeks.


larkspur said...

a good friend told me that all our decisions in life are driven by either love or fear. the more I think about it, I cannot argue with her wisdom...

Sorry about your mom. some days I cry when I think about my mom. I miss her so much...what I would give for just once more.

marain said...

I feel afraid sometimes. Sometimes fear/anxiety is triggered within me by something not related to me at all, like someone in a bad mood looking at me strangely or seeing someone in passing who I know or fear doesn't like me. It can be related to wishing I had acted differently in some situation. I have found that if I can track back to exactly when I started feeling anxious, it's easier to make it go away.

As I am anxious by nature and prone to imagine worst case scenarios, I have learned in my life to double-check my worst fears whenever possible - like if I'm worried that someone feels a certain way towards me, I will ask them. I can't remember a time when I wasn't wrong! It has always been the case that something else was going on with the person that had nothing at all to do with me.

Sometimes I feel anxious for what seems to be no reason at all, only to find out within the next 24 hours that something happened to someone I care about (my mother-in-law broke a couple of ribs just by leaning over an armchair the wrong way, my daughter had a fight with a teacher). Sometimes I can't find any reason and guess that I am just sensitive to the collective consciousness of the world that includes all of the wars and bad things that are going on.

Long ago, at a time when I felt like I had enemies, I used to repeat to myself a phrase from Neem Karoli Baba (the teacher of Baba Ram Dass): "Why fear barking dogs when you are riding on the back of an elephant?" This phrase is a good preparation for going into situations where you feel like people are against you.

For general anxiety, one thing that really has helped me recently to feel stronger and less afraid is a kind of walking meditation where I breathe to a rhythm, like four-four or six-six, and imagine beautiful colors. When I do this, everything goes out of my mind except for the focus on beauty and and the rhythm of the breathing. Even five minutes of doing this is very therapeutic.

Fear is not always a bad thing. It can warn us that we need to take action or to change in some way. It can also prevent us from doing stupid things!

I don't agree that the opposite of love is fear. The opposite of love is indifference. The opposite of fear includes confidence and joy.

I hope you feel better soon!

Linda S. Socha said...

The comment from Marain has practical possibilities for dealing. The truth is you do have incredible my friend.

This is a had road to travel. Fear can be kept at bay with love, faith, connection and the action plan for the day....or the next five minutes at times.

I hope you feel better and that a job presents itself immediately if not sooner

Clare said...

I get that way a lot. That is why I deleted my blog a few weeks ago. Now I am back. It ebbs and flows. I dont like to think of you crying. I hope that you get some joy in your life soon.

tangobaby said...

I too loved Marain's comment. It can be so hard sometimes, so confusing. You are not alone, even when you feel that way.

We care and we understand. I hope you find your way away from the fear soon. And I'm glad that Pretzel is there to look out for you.

John said...

I won't even try to know what it's like losing a mother. But I do know we have all probably lost someone very close (for me a best friend), and you just do get those days you are describing, and yes sometimes you cry.

It doesn't help either, when you have dreams about that person long after their death.

I wish you peace, my friend. And I hope you kow you have your blog as one outlet. You sure have a lot of friends on here that care about you. Hang in there. Only time heals those wounds, but sometimes it is never healed completely.

Rab said...

Wow Pink... prose poem meets personal essay.

Steph said...

In our current desperate financial situation, I write letters to my Dad, who died in 1993. I tell him what I'm worrying about and ask him for help. Something always happens -- an unexpected check in the mail, a new contract, etc. -- to make me think he has answered.

My best thoughts.

Natalie said...

Darling. It will be okay, one day soon.
You are still grieving for your beloved mother above all else.
Lots of love and hugs and courage sent your way, along with lots of pats and tickles sent to Pretzel.xx♥

Cynthia said...

Mr. Pink, you have such wonderful friends here in blogland and so much love surrounding you. May your challenges be overcome soon and may you know that you are loved and supported. <3

The Pink Cowboy said...

I have read these comments with feelings of affection For you all. It's just wonderful to read all your insights on the subject of Love and fear. When I started this blog I decided I was going to be honest and sincere about who I am and what I feel. This blog is true therapy for me. Your support means the world to me. Thank you.

crone51 said...

you are just a lovely person and I am so glad I stumbled upon you.

Hey, I am fifty eight years old and I don't understand anything. The longer I live the less I understand- not for lack of trying though!