Waiting

It is Sunday and I am shaking like a leaf. Time flies so fast. How do you keep your bearings when you are unemployed? Each day is like a white sheet of paper in front of a novelist with a severe case of writer's block. A hot shower and soothing music would not do. You live on cents a day. Maybe a small coffee at the gas station for $0.75. Then you realize the day is only starting for you. 18 hours to take care of. You feel jumpy and anxious. Filling job applications on line. Downgrading yourself in order to fit a minimum wage job advertisement. And yet, I have days when I am very optimistic. I must say that I am wishing for a miracle. Yes, I am THAT human, that hopeful, that unrealistic. I understand that unemployment is basically a temporary situation. I've been there before. There are people far worse than me. I am no martyr in any way or form.

I refuse to watch the news. I do not trust them any more. They are feeding our panic our heartbreak. My heart goes out to all the families that are experiencing despair in these times.

Before I go to bed I make a list of all the things I am grateful for. I figure that if I cannot come up with a least one thing I am grateful for I must be dead and buried somewhere. This was my list last night.

I am thankful for:

1. My bed, I do not have to sleep on the floor.

2. My dachsie Pretzel, he gives me unconditional Love and likes to sneak behind me a lick my ears to make me laugh.

3. My legs, I can stand up, walk and dance without having to pay a single cent.

4. My brother, he has let me in in his apartment.

5. This blog, I never felt so connected to people around the world, it's a sheer joy to me.

6. My books, I can go to places where treasures are hidden and where characters welcome you like a long lost friend.

7. My eyes, I can see colors, patterns, textures, speed, radiance, trees, flowers, people's faces.

8. My teachers, old, young, American, Tibetan, Spanish, French, Committed, Mystical, Empowering, Enthusiastic, Wise, Courageous.

9. Friendship- I have longtime friends and friends that I have never seen. So nurturing and kind.

10. Love, so much out there and in here. Love is THE ADVENTURE, THE REWARD, THE PURPOSE.

photo by petit hiboux at Flikr.

There Is Always a First Time...

First Movie I saw In A Cinema: Batman (1966)

First Record I Ever Bought: Chicago XII (1977), it had Baby What A Big Surprise which I loved.

First Airflight I Ever Took: San Juan, PR to Caneel Bay, St. John, USVI (1965)

First Book Without Pictures I Ever Bought: Jaws (1974)

First Car: Ford Fairmont (1979)

First Crush: Peter Tork from The Monkees or was it Astroboy? I was 4 years old.

First Oscar: Ok, I'm kidding.

First Time I Had Coffee: 7 or 8 months old. My mother made us one shot lattes for our baby bottles...Really! I'm Latin it is cultural. We call it Café con leche.

First Job: Store Clerk at my Dad's Gift Shop/Armory Store. Mom liked porcelain figurines. Dad loved guns, he was a skeet champion. They reached a compromise. The weirdest concept for a store. The store didn't last that long. It had an iron cage in the middle where the guns, rifles, pistols and revolvers would be displayed.

First "real" Job- Translator at the Department of Education in Puerto Rico.

First Time Ever I Saw Your Face- Roberta Flack

First Time I Ate Frog- Montreal 1982, it tasted like chicken.

First Time I Realized The World Wasn't In Black and White Before I Was Born: July 1968

First Visit To The Confessionary At My Local Church- I was 7 years old, I didn't understand the whole concept of sin. I though I didn't have any. I shared this thought with my teachers. They told me that it was impossible, that everybody sins. Even saints sin, they told me, seven times a day (damn saints!) So I made up a few sins before I went to see the priest. At an early age I felt the need to keep up apereances and portray myself as a sinner.

First Existential Question Ever- I was 6 years old and was playing with my neighbors. We were pretending we were Romans and we were fighting the Vikings. Everybody was assigned a military position. They forgot about me. I got angry and yelled: "Who am I?, Who am I?"

First Time I Learned About Sex- I was 9 years old. My mom bought this book that explained how babies were created. I didn't believe it for a second. It didn't make any sense to me. As far as I knew you ordered a baby on the phone. Then when it was ready a nurse would call you up to pick the baby.

Phot of the number one by horizontal.integration from Flikr.