I am between jobs. Anxiety is lurking in the shadows and has prompted me to make a mental inventory of all the jobs I have held since I graduated from High School:
1. Store clerk at a gift shop
2. Spanish instructor
3. Translator
4. Cashier at a jeweler's
5. Cultural Consultant
6. Spanish, English and History Specialist at a Library
7. Magazine Editor
8. Pollster for an advertisement agency
9. Data entry worker
10. English Instructor
11. Special Education teacher
12. Photographer
13. Archivist
14. Legal assistant
15. Hotel concierge for VIP at a major hotel in the Caribbean
16. Hotel Front Desk clerk in a gay hotel
17. Comic book writer
18. Reporter for a Buddhist publication
19. Store manager for a computer business
20. Night manager for Michael's in Florida
21. Hotel concierge in a boutique hotel in Old San Juan, Puerto Rico
22. Exam proctor
23. Assistant for an interior design company
Why so many? I don't really know. I have just adapted to the circumstances. But I am getting tired of this. I feel awkward when I realize I have not held a job for more than three years. I hate it when people say the phrase I truly loathe: "this is as good as it gets." I do not conform easily, I know. I am too much of an independent thinker. I mean, I am not extreme when it comes to just shutting up and performing my duty but I am a very critical person, I tend to analyze all situations from different sides. It is my nature. But I am fed up about not having an income also. I live with my brother until I find employment. I am grateful he is both putting me up and putting up with me. But I moved to Texas to improve my lot.
I am always daydreaming about my perfect job. I feel the best job I have done is in editing. Editing is an intense affair. I have to use all my intellect and then some. I think and editor is not only a glorified proofreader. An editor is a guide. At best he or she is an enabler, a coach, a committed assistant that can point to the best a writer can offer. It is not about reading or cutting out writing material. It is about selecting the essential and making it understandable to the general reader. I wish I can find a job as an editor, I do not want to adapt so much to the actual circumstances as to loose sight of my goal. I have done that so often in my life out of necessity and out of insecurities. Now, I am quietly going to send vibes to the universe around me to get an editing job at a magazine or a publisher's.
I was feeling a bit anxious today. When you are unemployed you live in a different time zone. Life little structures and routines are all gone. You are on your own and you must keep yourself centered (... if not entertained) in order to maintain your sanity. I must say that I do have the support of friends and family. I do not feel isolated but I could very easily fall into that trap on account that I am living in a different time sequence from the rest. This afternoon I took a long walk with Pretzel, my dachsie, and thought about my anxiety. At this very moment there is nothing I can do but to calm my nerves. And that I intend to do. It is not easy at all because I do have goals and dreams I want to fulfill and I do not want to postpone them indefinitely. So calming down is priority number one. In times like these I draw from my spiritual experiences and realizations. I am a spiritual mutt if there is ever one. I was raised by deeply religious Catholic grandparents, an atheist dad and a non practicing Catholic mother. I went to Catholic school all my life. Then I got into the New Age movement of the 80’s. In the early 90’s I went back to Catholicism (I realized later that it was a hunger for cultural identity rather than true conviction) and then into Tibetan Buddhism, only to be a free spiritual agent today. Excuse me, but I must laugh at myself if only tenderly. All these religious and philosophical disciplines have helped construct what I am today and I am grateful. Today I felt I had to have a serious talk with myself and establish a set of principles that would make my life easier and more enjoyable. To understand that there is no hurry in life, that I have nothing to prove, that it is reasonable to still cry everyday over the death of my mother 8 months ago, that it’s okay to have blind faith in finding appropriate employment, that it’s okay to keep dreaming of a better life. I have been reading a beautiful book by Marianne Williamson that has inspired me lately to ask for miracles in my life. And that I am doing today, surrendering to a higher energy capable of restoring my vitality. In the meantime more tea, more books and more cookies! I am grateful to all the visitors I have had recently, you keep my spirits up.
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